you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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