saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
