You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
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