Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
did i walk over a car last night?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
