and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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