drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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