Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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