Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
