my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
