Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
