I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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