WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
