There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
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