She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
