I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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