When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
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