remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
