I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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