She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
