hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
