I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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