There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
