Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
