so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
