the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
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