like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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