Your face is a jimmy john
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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