You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
