worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
