id be glad to
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
