I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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