Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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