I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize