The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
