Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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