there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
