It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
You were trust falling into bushes
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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