the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Randomize
