Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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