Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
