I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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