I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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