I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
