Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
