Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize