you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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