as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
how do you play pong handcuffed?
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
