I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
