Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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