Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
