Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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