so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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