I faked an abortion last night.
there's paper in my vomit.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize
