I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
