i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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