i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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