So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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