so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
