Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
