don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Randomize
