I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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