My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
