sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
You left your phone here
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