Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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