i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize